I'm Getting Old(er)

White chest hairs - and some on my beard as well - were confirmation last year that I'm starting to age. In a month, this will be confirmed as I hit the big 21.

It's known that puberty isn't meant to last longer than when us males are, at most, 18 years old, but this onset of losing hair colour has made me think that I'm already starting to suffer the effects of the 'other' puberty at quite an early stage! I have no idea as to why this is so - maybe it's University stress (yeah right, this semester was already quite bad, so what's going to happen next semester!?!) or maybe it's because intrinsically, I get agitated quickly on quite a few occasions...? I struggle for answers in this regard.

I'm kind of looking forward to being 21. It actually means that God willing, and depending how much studying I put in - which, judging by the looks of things currently doesn't seem too over the top considering that I'm updating this blog (but what can you do if most of the work you have to do is already prepared; how much can you actually revise and re-revise things?) - I'll be looking at the best part of my first degree, which although means nought in today's society, nonetheless gives me three letters behind my name. It's something to be proud of, something to look forward to, a goal to achieve. The first step towards, hopefully, bigger and greater things.

It also means that my licence is no longer on 'probation' period and will be turned into a permanent one, renewable every 10 years. Yes, I already got the ADT form for its renewal despite some people evidently believing that I should have no place on the road at all! But wow, looking at this again, now, that's really something minor. Well, I think practically anything is vis-a-vis this age after all. What's the big hype about being 21... it's just a number, after all. 18 is probably more significant as it marks the start of adulthood and, consequently, more independence than one could have ever imagined.

But perhaps it just means that it is the beginning of a new year with new adventures ahead. Perhaps it's nothing more than just that. It should maybe mark the year when more maturity starts to settle into our systems, but I feel I've passed the potential threshold for that. Long ago, might I add; perhaps too long ago. That is, however, subjective. I always felt I was the one to be less 'fun'; to be more of a 'fatherly figure'; to be someone to lean on and keep things in check; to, 99% of the time, have the calm head when so required. Maybe it's the events that have marked my life that have driven me to turn out like this. Maybe it's the way how I would see things around me that would make me not want to emulate people's mistakes. Maybe it's because I'm just the type of person who doesn't settle for anything other than this character that I've developed.

So yes, I'm getting older, but it's just a number for me. For others, it might be something more significant than that. For some, it might mark the turning point in their lives. But for certain, we just never know what the future will confirmedly hold for us in terms of who we are and what we do. We can plan our lives and plan our events accordingly, but whether these will be fulfilled is something out of our hands, out of our control.

Nobody knows.

God Bless You all,
Matti

Reflections of when You're Bored Stiff

It's that time of year, isn't it... The time of year where exams come along once again. And, as usual, an element of unproductivity has come about, especially for the last hour and a half or so, as I haven't been able to concentrate to save my life and have hence resorted to the evil machine that is called my laptop. Unlike in May last year, where blogs seemed to become everyone's common factor because everyone seemed to post something due to exam stress, this time about, minimal posts have sprouted up and indeed, reading and delving in other texts has been rare at most. Oh well. At least the headache is nonetheless finally subsiding and I believe that I should soon be able to (unfortunately) get back to the books.

Time for a period of self-examination, methinks. (Thanks Krissie, by the way, for kind of confirming that I had to write this after reading your blog!)

Yesterday I was reflecting about life had treated me over the last few years while have a couple of drinks with some friends of mine, and it dwelled on me that I have been truly lucky and blessed to have a life that really never has a dull moment. I looked back at the relatively recent past and saw that I have had people around me who have really been a positive influence on my life, and for this I am really thankful. I'm so glad that I didn't go down any path that could have resulted in having severe consequences in my life and so thankful that I wasn't brought up in that manner either. It felt so liberating to confirmedly know that when walking back to my car, I was walking in the company of people with a similar upbringing to mine and that such people would never try to explicitly take advantage of me or influence me to do something that I would regret in the future. To the contrary, if I were to do something of the sort, I believe that such people would actually persuade me to not carry out such an activity and try knock some sense into my admittedly hard head.

Then, when I got home, I turned the spotlight onto myself for a few minutes - literally, as this was rather late at night - and looked at how I saw myself in the light of other people. Weirdly enough, I realised a couple of paradoxes vis-a-vis what I said in the above paragraph. Firstly, I noticed that for all the positivities that I outlined above, I didn't warm up to the people I was surrounded by - with the possible exception of a few - with immediate effect, and had to actually 'gel' with such people before being myself with them. I've realised this on countless occasions, that being the fact that initially, I'm quite cold with people, and will continue to be unless I really get speaking to someone or finally learn how to appreciate and understand them. Secondly, and perhaps this is where I was a bit shocked, I felt that in quite a few circumstances, when I did indeed warm up to those people, I've been a better friend to them than they have to me. Rarely have my friends been entirely mutual, in the sense that giving and taking was equal among both people involved. It's a weird scenario and one that perplexed me, and still does, in all fairness. I tried putting my finger around it and put it down to perhaps being someone that people look up to, a role model of some type, but I believe that that's being rather boastful of myself and so I am more than willing to discard this theory. The case in point is though that often, I feel that it's other people that throw sticks and stones at me first for some odd reason, when I wouldn't have done anything of the sort to them. And other things, obviously. I'd really like to be enlightened on something like this, though, because it did play on my head and indeed, still is.

But overall, I can't complain. Things have really fallen into place for me over time and I believe will continue to do so in the future. I know about, and am conscious of, my various faults and indeed, am constantly trying to make an effort to improve them; but I am only human at the end of the day, and us humans err.

And on a side note, as for the recent derogatory remarks that have been sprouting up, with the perpetrator obviously hiding behind an anonymous mask due to extreme cowardice... Get a life. It's my blog so the posts that go up are what I want to write - if you don't like whatever is posted, you don't have to read it and furthermore uselessly comment on it.

God Bless You all,
Matti

I Think...

Happy New Year, guys!

So, for the first blog of 2010, I decided to share a few thoughts that have been going through my head... and while they're not penned down yet (indeed, this is the first time I'm actually going to be writing them down and seeing them face me), they're going to assume some kind of poetic form. I would hope. Enjoy.

I Think...

I think about those times

Where I am lonely,

No one to turn to,

Nothing to say;

I think about those times

Where all is well,

Those times where I look forward

To every brand new day.

I think about life

Its ups and downs,

Topsy-turvy moments

Many smiles and, indeed, frowns;

I think about it more

How lucky we are,

To be here, living comfortably

No problems, by far.

And yet, despite all this,

You, God, I think about last,

The One I should be most grateful to

For all: future, present and past;

I never mean to do so

But us humans err,

We know you should be at the forefront

But none of us dare

To even say "Thank You"

For all that you've done,

For coming here to save us

By sending your son.

All that I've seen

And all that I will go through,

Pales in comparison

To what's been done by You;

You're there for us always

In good times and bad,

To put us back on track

With Your comforting hand.

So God, while I'm thinking

Forgive me, please do,

For making you secondary

To the things that I do.

God Bless You all!
Matti