The Expert Analysis of... Live Commentary

I'm currently watching Bayern Munich vs. Lyon, this evening's feature semi-final from the UEFA Champions League, which also features the most horrendous commentary I have ever experienced. Hereunder I am going to underline the most ridiculous things that the commentator is saying, or has said, over the course of the 90 minutes of play...

(Please note that I switched on the TV after 10 minutes of play)

11 minutes: The commentator, working for Melita Sports, has a Scottish accent. I didn't know Melita had it's own version of Andy Gray - you know, the Scottish chap who commentates on FIFA '10.

13 minutes: He mentions that Hugo Lloris is France's number one goalkeeper. Fair enough.

15 minutes: Corner to Bayern Munich. Ribery (his name pronounced wrongly) whips the ball in and Lloris pushes it over for a corner again. Cue the commentator, "that's why he's France's number one goalkeeper". It was a routine save.

16 minutes: Commentator mentions how Bayern goalkeeper Butt, who has played 10 matches in this competition, has conceded just one goal and has a great defence in front of him. So where did the four goals conceded against Fiorentina and Manchester United go? Towards Mars?

17 minutes: Of course, Lloris needs another mention. He's miraculously conceded... wait for it... NO GOALS in this year's Champions League!! That's why he's France's number one, yet again. Anyway, yes, Lyon's defensive record is the best in the competition, but again... what about the goals conceded against Bordeaux? These went to Venus instead?

19 minutes: Bayern have a header that "hits the post!" Indeed, it was a country mile wide. Nice try.

21 minutes: Ivica Olic, scorer of Bayern's first goal at Old Trafford, is clear on goal. Commentator is saying that it's a definite goal... and the ball is skied over the bar.

24 minutes: Of course, commentating wouldn't be complete without mentioning the 800km journey that Lyon had to endure to get to Munich... by coach. But the commentator believes they're not tired as they had a whole day to adjust to life in Germany! Oh well...

27 minutes: Lyon are walking a tightrope and will have a thin-looking squad for the second leg, he says. Of course, they need loads of bookings for that to happen.

30 minutes: The commentator reminds us that the score is 0-0 and we're watching the game on Melita Sports. Kudos to you.

32 minutes: The commentator likes Robben and Ribery as players. They're "like little ferrets... you can't get rid of them."

33 minutes: Lyon are seven times French champions, so they're no slouches when playing football. No duh, that's why they have some of the better players in the world.

36 minutes: Ribery red card. Commentator is amazed and he doesn't know what it's for. Er, if your studs are up, it is a striaght red. Sorry mate. Obviously, Lisandro is injured, vindicating the referee's decision. Finally, Bayern have something that's gone against them in this competition! By the way, we just got rid of Ribery... we got rid of one of those damned ferrets!

38 minutes: Mr. Brains of the Year decides to give the fact that no team has managed to defend the Champions League in its current format, and that Barcelona are the current champions. Well done for stating the obvious... but wait...

40 minutes: Bayern Munich are now defending champions. The guy must have had something to drink before heading to the booth tonight.

43 minutes: The definition of 'shot on target' is given: "that was going into the back of the net". Butt makes a good save from a fierce Lyon shot that was going into the top left corner of his net.

44 minutes: The first half has just whizzed by. Of course it has, I'm enjoying taking the piss out of this guy's commentary so much that 45 minutes seem like 10 minutes ago. By the way, Ribery, sent off, was also playing for Lyon in this minute.

Half Time: Score is still 0-0. Live from the "Munich Stadium". And of course, live on Melita Sports. I think it's obligatory to mention that this is the channel showing the match around once every ten minutes, even though the ordinary reasonable man should know what TV channel he's watching at a moment in time!

2nd Half: Bayern substitution - Tymoshchuk is on to add some strength in midfield. His name is mispronounced, but you can't fault the commentator here. It's difficult to get right. Anyway, we're back on Melita Sports, just for good measure.

47 minutes: Reveillere's surname is also pronounced wrongly. Now that one is just unforgivable... it's not difficult at all.

49 minutes: "Lyon: they've already knocked out Liverpool... can they do it against Bayern Munich tonight?" Erm... Liverpool were not knocked out by Lyon, but lost out in the group stages of the competition; and what about Real Madrid and Bordeaux (yet again?) And something tells me that Bayern can only be knocked out, as such, in next week's return leg. Definitely not tonight.

52 minutes: He could have practically sworn that Muller was going to score. Commentator argues that the player has tied his shoelaces up wrongly!

53 minutes: Jeremy Toulalan is sent off for Lyon - it's now 10 men vs. 10. The commentator says that Claude Puel, Lyon's manager, will be livid. You got that one right mate - Lyon probably just blew their (remote) chances of winning this match.

55 minutes: Jean II Makoun is only "25/26 from Cameroon". That's the commentator's admission that the age of African players can be debated.

56 minutes: Now we're speaking about tattoos. They're in fashion with the players. You find them on the players' necks, arms, legs, backs... and anything else. Oh please.

60 minutes: The Allianz Arena is now referred to as the "Football Arena Stadium". Does the guy have any idea of what this sport is about?

64 minutes: Bayern Munich are apparently playing the first leg of the "UEFA Cup, Champions League even". Which competition are we seeing now... all together please? Also, Bayern will have a "busy month in May" if they get through to the final of this competition. Oh, Einstein himself couldn't have put it better.

68 minutes: The term "commentator's curse" is coming to the fore, but this commentator doesn't believe that he'll brings this about. For once, he's right - Bayern Munich have just taken the lead from out of nothing! As usual, it's Robben with his trusty left boot. A tremendous strike from around 30 metres out!

71 minutes: As Bayern lead 1-0, "European football on Melita Sports - it doesn't get much better, does it?" Erm, if you hadn't lost the majority of your rights to GO and I wouldn't have to spend around €250 out of my own cash to see Inter and English teams play next year, then maybe I wouldn't dispute this argument.

75 minutes: Bayern are "smelling blood" as they look for the second goal. Wouldn't the term "looking menacing" or "attacking with purpose" be more appropriate?

79 minutes: Referee Roberto Rosetti won't be getting too many Christmas cards from Bayern Munich and Lyon, says Einstein. I say he's right, unless they're red of course. Having said that, do you think these supporters will remember Rosetti's performance in 8 months?

80 minutes: Once again, the commentator reminds us we're on Melita Sports. He also reminds us that both teams are playing with 10 men each... because each one got a player sent off. This for the benefit of those "just joining us". Who on earth would put a match on when it's 80 minutes old?

91 minutes: Incredibly, nothing overly stupid has been said in the last 10 minutes. While the commentator... oh wait! He's outdone himself!! This year's final of the Champions League is to be held in Hamburg (so they've moved it from Madrid today?) and Bayern are looking to become the first team to retain the Champions League!! I really suggest he does a bit of research on Wikipedia before commentating on the return leg next Tuesday. Seriously.

Full Time: It ends Bayern Munich 1-0 Lyon. Thank you for joining us on Melita Sports.

The commentator who has been appallingly poor, by the way, is Bernard Lynch. Ok, so he might be Scottish. But he's crap, that's for sure!

God Bless You all!
Matti